#BTColumn – Masculinity and emotional stability

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by this author are their own and do not represent the official position of the Barbados TODAY Inc.

by Wayne Campbell

“If a person always leaves you with mixed feelings, uncertainty and an unsettled mind, you don’t need to place your energy there.”– Reyna Biddy

Have you ever asked yourself which of the sexes are lonelier; men versus women?

Men for the most part are socialized not to show their emotions. Niobe Way, a professor of developmental psychology at New York University, believes that boys are conditioned to view emotional vulnerability as a weakness.

As they grow up, boys are told that men should suppress and hide their emotions.

“Boys start off in the first decade being remarkably emotionally astute and attuned,” Dr. Way said. Unfortunately, according to Dr. Way, when boys are socialised to become men, they learn to avoid disclosing difficult emotions, especially
to other men.

It can be argued that male detachment from their emotions is viewed positively in some quarters. Those men who are emotional are often viewed as weak and are subjected to ridicule by other men and women.

In most societies the male who is viewed as being weak is often the last one to have a relationship. Of course relationships are at various levels. There are perhaps three phases of relationship; infancy which is built around dating.

Then there is the intermediate stage of a relationship where both individuals live together and pool their resources with the aim of achieving set objectives. The final stage is the mature phase of a relationship. At this level both parties have weathered the good, bad and ugly of the relationship and have a conditional respect for each other.

This phase of a relationship does not mean perfection; it usually means it’s too late to start over. All relationships have an exit clause whether written or unwritten and at times one party might just decide that they have had enough and decide to leave. Women however tend to remain in toxic relationships much longer than men do.

Perhaps women invest a lot more and therefore find it more challenging to walk away. Some women believe that they can change their spouse; however, the truth is you can only
change yourself.

Women sometimes also remain for the sake of their children. Once the respect goes in a relationship it is usually the strongest sign that the relationship is on life support and that the doctors who are suppose to be monitoring the situation have left the room.

It is never a good reason to remain in a relationship because of children. On the other hand, who are we to judge another person? A lot of men suffer in relationships too. A lot of men are emasculated and abused in their relationships.

The Bible speaks of unequally yoked. The phraseology unequally yoked has multiple interpretations. For example, one who professes Christianity and marries a non- Christian will certainly have issues in that marriage.

The meaning can also be expanded to areas where one party is better educated than the other; one party is accustomed to the finest things in life while the other is from a lower socio-economic background. One party can be extroverted while the other party is an introvert. In some relationships one party might be a spendthrift while the other is more conservative in spending.

It is often said that opposite attracts, perhaps there is some truth in this saying but this can also be problematic in the long term. Josh Kozelj in a recent article in The New York Times asked the question, why might men be lonelier than women both in normal times and during the pandemic? After talking with experts in the psychology field, they reiterated it may have to do with a hesitancy to be vulnerable, which can come at the cost of intimacy in relationships.

In 2015, Dr. John Ogrodniczuk, the director of the psychotherapy programme at the University of British Columbia, launched an online programme called HeadsUpGuys that helps men manage depression.

Looking to understand why men have trouble seeking mental health help, the organisation developed an online survey to identify stressors that can contribute to depression. Even before the Covid-19 pandemic, loneliness was consistently ranked at the top of its survey for stressors on men.

According to Dr. Ogrodniczuk, the pandemic has only compounded feelings of isolation for men. Jamaica has just completed the second of three consecutive weeks of lockdown in order to curb the spread of the novel coronavirus. It is a difficult time for everyone as human interaction has become limited and far and in between.

Jamaica is not alone; the international community is also grappling with this pandemic.Europe, Latin America, North America, Africa have implemented protocols to reduce the transmission of COVID-19.

Undoubtedly, many of us have had our mental health impacted as a result. Most men find it difficult to seek counselling. For some men seeking outside assistance in their personal life is an attack on their manhood.

Marriage

A marriage is a formal relationship involving vows taken before God. In too many instances we rush into marriage without first seeking counselling. It is always a best practice to seek premarital counselling before walking down the aisle.

In the Judeo-Christian societies the man is the head of the household. However, if there is a situation where the female is a better organiser of the family’s finances nothing is wrong with having her lead in that area of the marriage. Insecurity in a vacuum can and will destroy any relationship.

In any relationship one has to compromise. By compromising we have to give and take and it involves both parties. Unfortunately, if one person does all the compromising in a relationship this is an indicator that something seriously is wrong in that relationship.

There are many issues in a relationship which are best dealt with from an independent source in order to have a healthy relationship. In some instances the male will tell his spouse
to go for counselling, in so doing it’s almost saying to your spouse that you are the problem and once you get fixed the marriage will work.

Emotional stability

One should never compromise one’s state of emotional stability for the sake of any relationship. Nicole Gravagna, Ph.D., explains emotional stability as a desirable trait.

“It means you can withstand difficult situations, handle adversity, and remain productive and capable throughout.

Some people get to a certain point in their lives when they realise that they are not as emotionally stable as they would like to be.

If you get really angry at unfortunate times, fall into deep sadness, or find yourself so disgusted that you can’t participate in normal everyday things, then you might be one of those people who can benefit from an emotional overhaul.”

In any relationship, it takes both parties to make it work. Seeking counselling should not be seen as an intrusion but an intervention to help us move forward. A trained counsellor is fully equipped to assist us in our relationship.

It is very important also that we identify a counsellor with whom we are comfortable. It makes no sense going to a counsellor where there is tension and unease.

A counsellor can also be a trusted friend. The fact is we all need someone to talk to. The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic has taken a toll on our mental health. As men who are afraid to share our feelings with other men. Research has shown that maintaining friendships as you age leads to a healthier life, men often struggle to have private conversations and to keep friends.

As men we need to interrogate the cultural and personal perceptions we have of manhood and masculinity. Oftentimes these cultural perceptions can be a hindrance to a healthy and successful relationship. Communication is second to none in any relationship; talk to each other.

No man is an island, seek help if you must to fulfill your purpose-driven life as well as the lives of others around you.

In the words of Steve Maraboli, I can’t control your behaviour; nor do I want that burden but I will not apologise for refusing to be disrespected.

Wayne Campbell is an educator and social commentator with an interest in development policies as they affect culture and or gender issues. waykam@yahoo.com @WayneCamo©