It is with a heavy heart I write this letter, not seeking advice, but writing to agree with Adrian Clarke.
I read his column I Doan Care this week and I felt like crying.
I’m a man and I’ve been called dog, snake, just like he wrote about. I’ve been called things that can’t be reprinted in this paper or any other all because my wife thought I was cheating on her.
She’s now my ex-wife and even though I miss her every day I’m glad I got away from her clutches. She didn’t deserve me.
Some of you might laugh at me but this is my story.
The first few years of our marriage were great. We both had jobs and enjoyed the same things and it really was a honeymoon period.
She got a promotion which meant more money so we started travelling as often as we could, as it was something we always talked about doing.
We also bought a house through the NHC and together we were paying the mortgage.
We were happy, or so I thought. I never saw it coming.
She was transferred to another section of her company and made new friends. She also had new responsibilities. This also meant she had to work later, but that was okay. She also started going to work-related functions and at first she would ask me to accompany her and I did.
After a while she stopped and when I asked why she said she didn’t want to bore me. I decided not to push the issue. Then she started changing – being more critical of how I dressed, my car, how I spoke and I couldn’t understand why.
She also stopped having sex as often and brushed off my attempts but started wearing sexier underwear and when I asked how come, she often pretended she didn’t hear me but got dressed hastily and left in her new car because mine “didn’t suit her”.
All through this I said nothing about her sudden change in behaviour.
There was this woman at work who started talking with me more often. She was having problems with her marriage and we were drawn to each other.
I would call her when I got home or she would call me. Occasionally, we would go out to dinner together as both our spouses were working late. The relationship remained strictly platonic, no “urgings” or “feelings” for each other.
We never spoke about our spouses’ jobs, our lives with them – nothing. Just work, current affairs and what we liked to do. She gave me a card thanking me for being there for her and I really appreciated it. My wife found the card and hit the roof accusing me of cheating on her and threatened to put me out of “her house”.
I refused to argue with her and told her quite softly I was not and the woman was a friend. She moved into another bedroom and refused to speak to me for a whole week unless she was accusing me of having another woman and trying to make me feel guilty. I continued doing everything I did for her as normal but she wouldn’t budge. Calling me names, cursing me, and telling me to leave her house.
Even her friends and relatives were cold so I could only imagine that she told them what I supposedly was doing.
Then one day I came home to find her in a great mood singing and laughing. As soon as I got inside the house, she told me she had some wonderful news to share. This is the same woman who the day before was cursing me. I swear she was bi-polar.
She told me she was pregnant with our first child and she was excited because she knew it was what I always wanted. My mind was racing. My wife was pregnant? With our child?
I should have been happy but I wasn’t. That woman wouldn’t let me near her for three months. She always had an excuse so I knew “our child” couldn’t be mine.
I never once thought my “loving wife” was cheating on me. Call me foolish but the thought never entered my mind. I told her as much and that set her off. But I was adamant! No way was this happening to me.
She eventually told me the truth and I know you and your readers might not believe me but her lover was my co-worker’s husband. I found that out a couple of days after. He told my friend he wanted a divorce and about his relationship and called her name. When she was telling me we put two and two together and worked it out.
My wife didn’t ask for a divorce. She continued to live in our house until “his divorce is final”. I didn’t treat her any differently. I stayed out of her way but I wasn’t angry.
I never asked her why she did it, why she stopped loving me. Nothing. That was the hand I was dealt and I played it.
She lost the baby just after she moved but you know all that time she never asked or filed for a divorce. He had to give her an ultimatum for her to act.
She did apologise for the pain and embarrassment she caused and told me she wanted a better life and he offered her that chance. I wasn’t bitter. I just walked away. I felt sorry for her.
She made my life miserable because she wanted to hide what she was doing and her conscience was something she had to live with.
I helped my friend get through her divorce, it was tough but she came through and we’ve remained friends. She never once blamed me or asked about my marriage and why I couldn’t keep my wife happy.
I think she understood that they wanted something we obviously couldn’t provide.
This situation hasn’t turned me off women but it has opened my eyes and Adrian’s column as I said before made me realise how people generally believe that it’s always the men’s fault — Mr. Nice Guy
Since Yuh Asked me not to comment, all I will say at this time is that you are a man of strong character. You took all the mud and misfortune that life threw at you and maintained your dignity. What a lot of people pretend not to know is that there are many men out there who go through similar experiences and remain “men”.
I am also glad that you have made the point so well that because a man talks with a woman, has a relationship with her, it does not mean he wants to get into her pants.
Stay true to your manhood, Mr. Nice Guy!