It is said that humour is also a medicine. Personally I agree, I have always found that the person with a sense of humour is better able to handle illness. Honestly you do need a sense of humour, when you have recovered from the flu, then to get dengue!
Accordingly I will devote this week’s offerings to humour. Hopefully they will give you a laugh or smile, but not a stupse.
A woman told the vet that something was wrong with her dog. He examined the animal and told her the dog was dead.
“I don’t believe you,” she said. “I’d like a second opinion.”
The vet said that would be fine. He went into the other room and got a cat. He put the cat up on the table with the dog. The cat sniffed the dog and jumped down. The vet then got a black Labrador, put him on the table and the Labrador sniffed and jumped down.
The vet tells the lady again: “I’m sorry, but your dog is definitely dead. That will be $600 for the exam.”
“$600 is ridiculous. What are the charges for?” she exclaimed.
“$600 is a bargain,” the vet explained. “$50 for me and only $550 for the cat scan and lab work.”
In the hospital, a patient’s relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
“I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At last, someone asked: “Well, how much does a brain cost?”
The doctor quickly responded: “$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain.”
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask: “Why is the male brain so much more?”
The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said: “It’s a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they’re used!”
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Doctor: These tablets are to be taken daily for the rest of your life! Patient: But doctor you have only prescribed three tablets!
A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said: “Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he’s gagging and thrashing about.” “I’ll be right over,” the doctor said. “In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.”
When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of fish over her husband’s mouth.
“Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not fish, to lure the mouse.”
“I know, doc,” she replied, “but first I’ve got to get the darn cat out of him.”
A doctor was examining his patient who happened to be hard of hearing. He put his stethoscope to her chest and said, “Big breaths.”
The woman replied: “Yes, they used to be bigger!”
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn’t even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help.
Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
“Doctor,” she said, “I have a very bad gas problem.”
“A gas problem?” replied the doctor.
“Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with my son and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh… silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with my pastor and his wife and had (BLUSH) four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you’ve got to help me! What can we do?”
“Well,” said the doctor thoughtfully, “I think the first thing we’re going to do is give you a hearing test.”
Doc tells a guy he has a bad heart. The guy says: “I want another opinion.”
The doc says “OK, you’re ugly too.”
A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress.
“But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!” he protested.
“Our rule is that everyone must undress,” replied the nurse as she handed him a very skimpy gown.
“That’s a stupid rule,” grumbled the patient, “making me undress just to look at my toe.”
“That’s nothing,” growled a voice from the next cubicle. “I just came to fix the phones!”