I had a letter to send you for a while but after seeing your column Loving Me last Thursday I know I definitely had to send it.
For a while now I’ve been in a relationship with this woman and all she does is eat and eat and eat.
In the last year she has gained 20 pounds and seems to be getting bigger by the day. I’m serious!
She won’t listen to me about her health and why she should go to the doctor and get a full check up.
I told her if we ever get pregnant no one would be able to tell because of the layers of fat around her belly.
She eats when she’s happy, when she’s sad, when she’s stressed about work, if she can’t find anything in town to fit her. She just eats when she’s not talking. When I raise the subject she says I don’t love her because if I did I would not tell her about it all the time but just love her the way she is.
This is so frustrating!
What do I do to get her to understand that her health and taking care of herself should be a main priority even before me.
By the way, I like reading the articles in the new column.
Since Yuh Asked, CP, I get the impression from your letter that you are genuinely interested in the health of your partner, but you must recognise that this will always be a very sensitive subject for her, and it is very likely that you will be saying one thing and she will be hearing something completely different.
I know that some people will say, like her, if you love her size would not matter, but love and attraction are not the same thing. There are some people who are not attracted to those who are fat, and that is a fact of life. They will never take as a partner a person who is above a certain weight.
The problem that presents is that while your love may be genuine, it will become strained when the lack of attraction makes it hard for you to show the level of affection she would want.
My suggestion is that you try to get someone who she listens to, whose opinion she regards highly, to speak to her on the subject; and that even now you make sure that your encouragement to eat healthy and to lose weight is as gentle as possible.
But keep in mind that the time may come when you have to deliver an ultimatum to her; and as much as it may hurt, when that time comes you can’t back down.
So keep loving and keep encouraging.