Okay, here’s the plan: we sell Culpepper Island to Donald J. Trump for US$400 billion. This will solve all our economic problems and ingratiate us with the president.
As you know, President Trump offered to buy Greenland, a semi-autonomous island off Denmark. The prime minister of Denmark, Mette Frederiksen, grossly insulted the president by calling the proposal ‘absurd’. Understandably, Trump was miffed and abruptly cancelled his long-planned visit to Denmark in early September. To add injury to insult, Denmark then offered to buy America from Russia.
Trump rightfully called the Danish prime minister ‘nasty’. Remember, he reserves this epithet for women who, over the decades, have slandered and victimised him by wrongfully accusing him of rape, sexual assault and genital grabbing.
We can blame all this horrid lying about Trump on the Fake News (every news medium except Fox News) and the Democrats.
Don’t people realise that Donald J. Trump is the Chosen One? Or as the Jews say, the Meshuggenah. Check out Revelation 6:4, “And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to the yellow-haired one that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another; and there was given unto him a great sword.” Donald is laying about him with his sword of righteousness on all the so-called allies who are the spawn of Satan (Boris Johnson the exception: he is Satan). After Donald comes the nuclear Rapsogeddon.
The Fake News has tried to make fun of Trump, accusing him of cancelling his visit like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum, claiming he wanted to avoid a comparison with Obama’s visit to Denmark a couple of weeks later – a visit that might attract much larger crowds. But the cancellation had nothing to do with Barack Hussein, the Islamist, born-abroad False One, who preceded the Christian Chosen One.
Donald is the greatest leader the world has ever known, as prophesied in Revelation 21:3: “Then I saw another mighty angel coming down from heaven. He wore a red hat with the sign “Make Angels Great Again; his face was orange like the sun, and his hands were tiny but ‘grabacious’. And the MAGGATs came pouring out from every rock to greet him. And in the end times, this great Trump shall sound and blow the evil world to smithereens.”
Buying Greenland would have been a stroke of genius: the truth is that Greenland would have made a fantastic place to resettle Hispanic and other immigrants from s—t-hole countries. These people are so ungrateful: they get a chance to leave a slum in Guatemala and live in a nice cage in Texas and they complain. Greenland would have been a win-win situation: the purged people of colour and other dissidents would flourish in such an icy environment, and America would have become a country of Evangelical white purity as God obviously intended it to be. But then, the atheistic Democrats and Fake News have never read the Biblical prophecies. This is a man who has put other world leaders in their place, disproved the hoax of climate change, and is cleansing America of its ethnic impurities.
Anyway, I think our prime minister should offer to console Donald Trump by offering to sell him Culpepper Island, which is a semi-autonomous part of Barbados, for $400 billion.
Admittedly, it’s slightly smaller than Greenland, but he could build a mini golf course, set up a Fox News affiliate, and put up a mini-Trump tower as a luxury retreat for himself, Ivanka, Jared, and Don Jr, with a guest penthouse for Vladimir Putin. Plus, there would be no extradition treaty between Culpepper and the US.
We have to move swiftly, though. Trinidad might offer Tobago, St Kitts offer Nevis, Antigua offer Barbuda, and Ralphie offer all the Grenadines.
But Culpepper has major advantages over all of those islands. It’s less crowded, no traffic jams, no waste disposal problems, no crime, no drugs, and no people of colour, Latinos, Muslims, or Jews.
Let’s do it, Barbados!
(Dr Peter Laurie is a retired permanent secretary and head of the Foreign Service who once served as Barbados’ Ambassador to the United States)