Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by this author are their own and do not represent the official position of the Barbados Today Inc.
Today, I am sharing my story as a mother. Although my children are now adults, with their own independent lives, I vividly remember their days at school when each of them had very different needs and none of them had any idea what dreams would be born of their talents.
Like all mothers, I wanted their happiness, each and every day, above everything else. Yes, I hoped for the academic success that would form the foundation of careers that would fulfil them. I hoped they would engage in learning, so that their success as students would provide them with tools as adults to play their part nationally, while becoming global citizens contributing to a better world.
I reinforced values at home so that they understood that respecting others earned them self-respect; that generosity of spirit and kind language kindled and sustained genuine relationships. There was little entitlement permitted, and humility and generosity were prized. My children were expected to work both smart and hard in order to own their accomplishments; they never received a participation reward. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe rewards require a personal investment of time, endeavor and perseverance for them to be genuine.
There was an inordinate level of structure at home, and support with homework. Thirty students in a class will always mean that parents must become supplemental teachers, whether we want to, or have the time to be, or not. Let’s be honest, parents want to be parents, not teachers.
I tried the unstructured route with my eldest. He entered Harrison College, and I set him free. When, around Week 6 of Term 1, he remarked one morning, ‘my thumbs are hurting’, I knew exactly what that meant. The pain was not from writing; it was from playing with his Nintendo 64. And there the rigorous structure at home began. “Term is for working, holidays are for playing”, I told them all, and a different environment was born with routine and support from me, at its core.
After school, every afternoon was filled with sports, then home, dinner, a shower and study. I moved between all three children, checking and helping and ensuring that they understood what quality completion looked like. I ripped up many pages of half-hearted, disrespectful scribbles and made them do the work again to my satisfaction. They pushed boundaries, and I built walls of expectation. I did not have to rip up work a second time.
Routine became easier because my children knew what outcome would await them. The first time I was faced with an un-started project the night before it was due, we all gathered at the kitchen table and the team pulled together to save the procrastinator from the inevitable. That never happened again. I stuck my nose into every homework assignment, demanding to know what they were holding back and I taught them how to plan, prioritise and work incrementally through research, analysis, compilation and presentation.
At no point did I want to do this, but I did. By the time child number two sat the 11+, she knew what to expect at secondary school, and she had by then, developed inherent self-discipline and tools with which to study that suited her learning style.
My social butterfly, number three, came with different challenges. Learning and A grades required zero effort, and I had no choice but to shift gears again. We were now in the age of personal cell phones and MSN chat platforms and chat, chat, chat was what she loved to do. Well, as there was no CXC in ‘Chatting with Friends’, boundaries had to evolve. The time came to teach the lesson that data and texting were not free.
On her 12th birthday, she received the long requested gift of a white Blackberry phone. On turning it on, she realized there was no SIM card and no service. So with that gift, she realised those would be for her to earn through finding a job and paying for them. Nothing in life is free.
I may have been unpopular on that birthday, but today, she is a brilliant manager of a budget and she works for, and plans, for the things she wants.
I do not tell these tales to advocate becoming a tyrant. However, my experience has taught me that when your children are young, you cannot be their friend; you should use the valuable years of parenting to invest in the independent lives that your children deserve. Never rob them of their mistakes; these teach more real-life lessons than any rule or punishment can. Protection from reality is entitlement in disguise.
If you play your parenting cards right (and it involves a lot of disliking what you must do), you will raise truly independent young adults who will manage their lives, careers and relationships with confidence and authenticity. Above everything else, you will earn the privilege of finally becoming their friend and you would have modelled good practices with which they will raise their own children. So, invest wisely and “take the road less travelled”, because that “will make all the difference”.
Julia Hanschell can be contacted at smartstudying@gmail.com.
