Re-calibrating the parent-teacher relationship

Today, I’m treading into subjective, sensitive waters – as perceptions, presumptions and observations often are. These three states of mind are someone’s truth. So, here’s mine – parent by choice; teacher by accident. I have never attempted to escape the reality and responsibility of either job, and both jobs are mercilessly difficult. Some parents are hoping that two extra weeks at home will mean the resumption of school sooner, rather than later, for their children. With a huge, insightful smile, or the shaking of an exasperated head, many a teacher is musing, ‘Yes! Finally, parents know what my days feel like’.

While it is natural, as parents, to teach our own children the values for navigating through life, helping them with schoolwork they do not understand, or supporting them emotionally with social relationships, teaching becomes a ‘calling’ when we commit to do these things for the children of others. And ‘callings’ are spelled ‘sacrifice’, however you choose to spin it. Ask any nurse or policeman on the frontline of COVID-19. Do professional teachers ever just teach curriculum – helping students acquire an independent life with knowledge, proficiency and grades? NO. It is somehow inferred in the teaching ‘contract’ that there will be an all-encompassing duty of care included.

And here is where the unnatural reality emerges: teachers have become substitute parents and as one year ends and their students move on, another group enters their lives. Over 30 years, or three, it is not actual teaching that demoralises teachers, but the unrelenting expectations and responsibility of parenting children who are not their own. Then criticism that they have not done enough or done it right.

I genuinely believe that teaching has become the most unnatural profession in the world. The irony is inescapable. The tragedy is profound. The comedy is dark. But just as we acknowledge the silver lining of the earth having a chance to heal through humans being stopped in their destructive tracks, perhaps this situation is also re-calibrating the parent-teacher relationship. Perhaps something great will emerge from parents reconnecting day in, day out with their children. Perhaps the teacher-parent relationship will recover and mutual respect will return like the lost view of the Himalayas or the skyline of L.A. Hopefully, we can become partners again, with roles and responsibilities we acknowledge are of high individual value.

It’s been a long time since we played on the same team and acknowledged that we cannot do each other’s jobs, be competent in our own and remain sane. While we can delegate authority, we must never delegate responsibility. We are on the same team. As teachers, our students are the Opus of our lives. As parents, our children are our Legacy. For both of us, children are the most important work we will ever do. I have no doubt that we are both doing the best we can, but we have got to do better.

In helping the students under my care organise their home work spaces, create new habits and assess their tools of self-regulation, in preparation for their school resuming remotely on 20 April, I have created a short slide show of tips with pragmatism and humour. I will share this on social media as a public service post but make no mistake, I am doing this as a parent, because this is what parents do. When we see our children in uncharted and uncomfortable situations, we provide structure. Structure. Structure. Structure.

So, in an effort to support teachers, here’s some advice for parents. Create a routine at home that is a battle plan for academic and emotional survival. Set the rules so learning will not be disrupted. Teachers have never had less control to impact this, and parents’ structure at home will determine that their children do not lose an entire learning year of progress. Spend time collaborating with and explaining to your children what their new routine will look like, and why. Children are smarter than you think and as resentful as some may be for lost freedom of choice, children respond positively to structure, supported by sound strategy.

Set clear expectations of what must be accomplished each day: work balanced with play, needs balanced with wants, chores balanced with simple rewards. Balance family togetherness with guilt-free social interaction with their peers. Demand they accept responsibility in setting alarms for waking up and getting into gear for the day ahead. Make rules for going to sleep at a certain time – without 24-hour access to electronic distraction. A child’s job is to push boundaries; a parent’s job is to remove temptation.

What this lockdown is teaching us, is that time on our hands is either a weapon or a tool. It can be more enemy than ally, if conscious decisions not to structure time are ignored. COVID-19 might be a threat to lives; unproductive, unstructured time is a threat to learning. And we’re the adults here. If we don’t stand united, our children will fall through the cracks. They are floating without the wisdom of experience or the benefit of vision. It’s time to team up.

Julia Hanschell can be contacted on smartstudying@gmail.com.