#BTColumn – Confiscating technology does not work!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by this author are their own and do not represent the official position of the Barbados Today Inc.

It seems as though readers enjoy my insights into how I manage children, especially as a parent. So today, I am sharing with you how I create apt consequences to poor choices.

Children are children; they are all works in progress. They grow and learn at different speeds and with varying degrees of awareness. However, there is one common, human denominator: while we are all free to choose, no one is free from the consequences of their choices.

The most popular consequence parents seem to revert to, is to remove technology, believing that this will hit the child where it hurts the most. It’s easy, quick and often unsustainable as children quickly develop the skills to ‘go underground’. It’s seldom effective. I’m afraid you need to get more creative and this will involve your time. If you are going to train children, you must make the time, so they truly learn the lesson.

My close friend, Frances, who is a retired Speech & Language Therapist, once told me that ‘the consequence should match the crime’, so this is the principle I have always followed.

It’s a bit difficult these days as the boundaries of child abuse have shifted, and rightfully so. But let’s take a lie – this is common ground for every parent.

One of my daughters used to tell me some hot ones. Frequently. I called her to account, removed technology, lectured, stated my disappointment and ‘grounded’ her. The result? More lies, but astutely delivered. So, I got creative.

She knew that only family parties were allowed in school time, but there was one she wanted to go to desperately. It was the early teen years of boys and being in the right group. Being equal to your peers meant being socially present at their gatherings. So, I said yes.

I helped her find the right wardrobe, censored a couple of choices. I told her not to think she would be packing an unacceptable top into her bag to change into at the party and that I was not dropping her off at the end of the road like teenagers often demand, so that they can breeze into a ‘lime’ like they are an orphan. We agreed she would be ready to go by 6 p.m. and would be ready for collection at 10 p.m.

At 5.55 p.m. I sat on the couch and out she came, looking beautiful. The time a teenage girl takes to put on makeup is longer than it takes to make a corpse presentable for viewing. This is how the conversation went:

Daughter: I’m ready, Mum. (self-satisfied)

Me: Ready for what? (raised eyebrow)

Daughter: The party, Mum. Are you ready to take me? (confused)

Me: What party? (dementia-level confusion)

Daughter: The one we have talked about all day (eye roll)

Me: OH! THAT ONE! (Oscar award acting)

Daughter: MUM??? (panic)

Me: Oh, I remember. I said you could go even though it’s not family. (more dementia enlightenment)

Daughter: YES! (irate now)

Me: Oh dear. I LIED! (calm statement)

Daughter: What do you mean you lied? (incredulous at the thought)

Me: Well, you are very familiar with the concept of lying. However, now you know what it feels like to be lied to. (still calm)

Daughter: You lied?!?!? (furious)

Me: Yup! (resting female dog face)

Daughter: How could you lie to me? (aghast)

Me: Same way you choose to lie to me. It’s easy, isn’t it? (feeling awful but empowered by now) TEARS. (hers)

Me: Get out of my sight. I am not interested in seeing you cry because you were lied to. When you lie to me, you do not care that you break my heart. Disappear from my view and spend the night in your room reflecting on the nature of lies.

Technology was not removed and I could not care less what she whined to her friends about or what she called me behind my back. But I know that on her phone she saw pictures of the party she did NOT attend and the boys she did not get an opportunity to flirt with. And she lived the reality of the lesson.

I hated to set her up for pain, but I had no choice. I saw it as my duty to raise a child who understood the meaning of integrity. Better experience the consequences of lying at 13 than at 30.

Today, my beautiful girl is a woman of substance. Her integrity and authenticity define her, and she stands out from the crowd. She owns her mistakes and corrects them. She loves who she is, and she knows that I cared enough to teach her lessons that had to be taught the hard way.

Parenting is painful, time-consuming, constant work; it is not for the faint of heart. It takes creativity and cunning. Children are smart and we let them get away with too much. We owe it to society to raise young adults with conscience, moral obligation and honour and these values are seldom inherent; they must be learned through experience.

So, forget confiscating technology; use it as a tool of illumination.

Julia Hanschell can be contacted at smartstudying@gmail.com.