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#BTColumn – Mental health battle: Me vs Me

by Barbados Today
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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by the author(s) do not represent the official position of Barbados TODAY.

By Nicholai Peters

Self-care, self-care; self-care. The words we so often overlook. I can attest that life indeed can change in the blink of an eye. Plagued by detrimental thoughts, plagued with distrust, plagued with anxiety โ€“ these are a few things that life threw at me simultaneously. Never in my life could I have imagined being crippled by the aforementioned. During this time, it can feel like there is no one to turn to and surely no way out. This is far from the truth, but perception in this state can be overwhelming and also tainted, which leads to that thought process.ย 

What is mental health? Itโ€™s the thing that should be paramount in our lives. What does it mean to you? In my situation, dealing with my mental health meant hiding from everyone and everything I loved, as I was so terrified of being vulnerable. On one hand, time for yourself can be necessary and beneficial, but in the same breath thereโ€™s such a thing as excessive โ€˜introspectionโ€™, which can lead to darker thoughts and, subsequently, depression. Iโ€™m no psychologist, but what I do know is donโ€™t become engulfed in your issues. Donโ€™t shut everyone out. After all, the people around you or those who express concern cannot empathize with what they do not know. Regarding friends and empathy, another lesson is to be gentle with yourself and the process of some people understanding your situation, considering not everyone will have the same reaction or โ€˜lenienceโ€™ as it pertains to your situation. ย 

In the space of six months, I was hospitalized on three occasions. No one likes to or wants to go to the hospital, but my health had plummeted to lows I didnโ€™t know were possible. God knows how many plans I had, how many things I wanted to make a reality. Iโ€™ve never seen so many doctors in my life, I almost thought it was an โ€˜episodeโ€™ of Greyโ€™s Anatomy. In all seriousness, I never thought my brain could collapse to the point that I couldnโ€™t walk for a period of time or even hold objects without shaking. Quite frankly, I thought I was dying on multiple occasions. All of this at the age of 20, fresh off the best/most productive summer Iโ€™ve ever had. Why was this happening to me? Why me, of all the people I know and in my age group?

From mould poisoning to this other diagnosis, to yet another diagnosis โ€“ it all felt like my world was crashing in front of my eyes. For so long, I couldnโ€™t recognize the man in the mirror anymore.ย 

I thank God for placing the correct people in my life to help me recover. Iโ€™m not where I want to be, whether it be academically, socially, but most important of all, my health. Every day, I try to challenge myself to do something out of my new but temporary normal to expedite the recovery process. From not walking, talking or eating, to finally being able to do said things and pick back up the pen and paper (quite literally). I was scared, petrified really, to try again.ย 

The lines and my vision had gotten so blurry I didnโ€™t know where to start. In recent times, Iโ€™d met a few people who seemed to be genuinely invested in me, but the natural self-sabotage I engaged in always led to my demise.ย 

I donโ€™t want to be the boy that โ€˜burns down the village because they didnโ€™t embrace himโ€™ anymoreโ€ฆ as I quoted in my youth parliament speech quite some time agoโ€ฆ Everything Iโ€™ve said thus far, whether publicly or in private, itโ€™s been about my personal struggle to find my way from the back of society to trying to become a beacon of hope for people like me. I know relatively good times, but I also know struggle all too well. Every time I thought I was making progress, I hit a wall again. Iโ€™m trying my best to be the man God, my family and friends know I can be. The only fear I have in this life is not being able to reward my family and friends for all they have done. I have to figure this out if Iโ€™m to give them the life they deserve.ย 

Iโ€™ll leave you with this, check in on a friend, whether old or young. Mental health struggles are more prevalent than some of us can imagine.ย 

Only God and time will tell what becomes of Nicholai Petersโ€ฆ the boy they overlooked.ย 

Nicholai Peters, man of the people and for the people.

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