Parents let go

My musings tend to fall into the ‘tough love’ category because there are three personal beliefs I have always parented by: children should never be deprived of the opportunity to make mistakes (certain death excluded); children must invest their energy in their own discoveries; your job is not to make life easy for them.

No wonder I am an accidental teacher – my attitude is not conducive to nurturing, teaching or advising in the conventional sense. I want children to grow through sweaty exploration, overcoming disappointment (particularly in themselves) and without external fanfare or reward, to present that ‘Oscar’ to themselves for accomplishments, big or small, that have defined their success in that moment on their journey.

However, there are points in time when parents are so anxious about their children’s future that they either have to interfere, driven by the panic of the 11:59th hour or face the alternative that they have to escape.

How many mothers have fantasized of just leaving the country on the way to the supermarket on a random Wednesday afternoon? It’s THAT point in time, I’m musing on today.

What do you do when your child has no clue on what problem to solve in their life that lies ahead? Because the question the twenty-first century parent must ask is NOT, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ It is, ‘What problem do you plan to solve first in your life?’

This is a complex question. When you listen to the fascinating and pragmatic alternative predictions of Michio Kaku (a theoretical physicist at City College NY, who forecasts future possibilities), our children in their lifetimes, will change their ‘jobs’ on average 14 times. Or consider this: a five-year-old in 2020 who will leave school in 2033, will choose a ‘profession’ or course of study of which 85 per cent are not yet in existence.

In my mind, our current generation, the iY, or connected millennials, are living in a hurricane, caught between worlds where rapid change is the only constant. There is no choice but to be excited by the uncertainty. But breathe – we may not have an educational system (yet) that inspires creative critical thinking with which to navigate today’s choices, but there’s the internet.

Here’s my advice: have your (hopefully) concerned teenager start with a subject he or she likes – not based on whether the teacher is tolerable. Focus on content, for example, Geography – physical or human – and let them ask themselves, “Is there a problem I could get excited about solving in the world?” Perhaps it’s whales dying of plastic consumption, the economic crisis of human migration, or the impending extinction of pollinators. Or even how ‘cool’ it would be to rappel into a volcano’s crater or design robotic bees (which has already been explored in the Black Mirror series on Netflix – highly recommended). And Google it: “jobs of 2050 saving earth” or “jobs with wildlife in 2050”. I promise you there will be an abundance of information and yes, there will be a great deal of reading to do and many interesting but inevitable cul-de-sacs in the search.

However, this is not YOUR journey and NOT your job to search for what might suit your child. Don’t love them so much that you steal the opportunity for their eureka moment. They have to sweat, to spend the time, and most critically, to THINK. To take a Google suggestion and imagine it relating to who they are REALLY as a person, what their future could be; to decide what matters to them.

Believe me, who your children know they are deep down is often not who you believe they are; parents often hear their children, but we might not be actually ‘listening’ to them. And take yourself, your dreams and expectations out of their equation. Your child needs to find his or her life, and that means they need to take the time to do so. Destination is always by design, and design will demand their time.

If you have to ‘help’ them by shifting their freedom for a week, “You’re going nowhere until you give me five possibilities for further study that you can passionately convince me are for you…” that’s parenting. Providing the structural limitations is your job. If you’re feeling generous, sit with your child as he or she searches the internet – they truly may need to discuss what they are finding when they delve deeper.

Facing choices outside of the traditional ‘box’ can be scary. How often do we say, “my child is great with technology”? Let’s put that to the test because I think all parents will agree that never before in history have our children been more easily ‘connected’ to information. Let’s give them the opportunity to search for ideas with which to take the first step into their own brave new world. And if Google is not enough, there’s reddit or Tedtalks or Michio Kaku on YouTube. Their future IS now. Their search will be worth it. Love them enough to simply let go.

Julia Hanschell can be contacted on smartstudying@gmail.com.